I think I am battle weary.
These past few years have been rough. It's taken a toll on what I believe about life, about what is possible, that there is purpose and reality in having goals and dreams. We've survived a lot. More than I want to write about. But what all this has done to my belief about what is possible in life is what scares me now. I want to believe I am still climbing the mountain. I'm not sure anymore.
Last year I had the opportunity to go to Cleveland and attend a community event at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It was a cold day, so standing outside at our event booth was a bit numbing. Eventually I received my event pass to see the museum and it was so worth it. Several floors of rock and roll history, it's challenging to see it all. I tried though, and it was a very insightful look into the lives and workings of musicians I admire and some I did not know at all but was glad to learn about them. But there was another reason I wanted to go to Cleveland, and that was to find my prospective publisher.
At some point I will have a more functional working manuscript, and they are the publishing house I will approach first to publish my book. Going to Cleveland last October meant for me that I needed to set to work on pulling the manuscript together and finding the story I want to tell about who I am and how I have experienced this life in the United States. It's not an easy task, as it is very personal, but I want to make it not so personal and more generalized to the population, namely, single mothers and how they are treated. Discriminated against. Pink collar jobs, 70 cents on the dollar wages, etc. etc. and especially workplace bullying. I'm still deciding on the parameters for the first book.
I think lately though, I've started to believe that I'm not going to live long enough to see any of this happen. I suppose I've always kind of dealt with this sort of belief throughout my entire life. It's limiting. I think it is also a fear of humiliation, that I would strive to achieve such things. A fear of being laughed at for wanting to be taken seriously.
So yeah, definitely battle weary.
I suppose the best thing to do is set to work on the manuscript.
© Dawn Nelson, 2022
